My Story

Are you trying! To walk away from your belief's?

You do not have to - Feel guilty!

This blog is not meant to 

Destroy Your belief in Your God

"If your are happy with your god"!

It is more to do with the:- 

"Fundamentalist way of preaching".

Now, I do not believe in ANY "God".

After all, 

No-one has came back

To tell us "The Truth"

Have They??

1976

This is where my nightmare began!


When I was 17 years old, I was relatively care free and didn't think much about God. I was dating my then boyfriend, since I was 16 years old.


I used to go to visit my older sister often, who at that time was into 'contacting the spirits'?
It was just a bit of fun (kids stuff)... or so I thought! Strange things did happen, but I never took it seriously. At that time there was, a group of - 'Born Again Christians' in the area where I lived. I'd never heard anything about them before, although I knew them as old neighbours.
I didn't know that they were part of this Christian group, until one day I was approached by one of them.

I was asked, "what I thought of God?" Etc. To which I replied, "I didn't know but told them that I was contacting the spirit world".

Well!...
Shock, horror! I was told that it was very dangerous and that I was really contacting 'Satan' himself and that I was being deluded into thinking that it was one of my family. They told me I'd better stay clear of all that stuff. They invited me to one of their house meetings. I admit, what they said did frighten me, but, did I believe in God??

I thought about it and went along anyway I just thought it was going to be your everyday kind of church, singing hymns and reading phrases out of the bible... 'God loves you' and all that!


Well! Oh yes, I was told "God loves me"... and the rest!
I'd never heard the bible preached like that before! It scared the living day lights out of me. I thought I was going to die that night and go to (The Furnace of Fire for ever, there men will weep and gnash their teeth: Matt 13;42) (For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life and those who find it are few: Matt 7;14)!

So that started... my sleepless nights... stress and tension and my strive for perfection! (Which I could never achieve). I was now aware that God was watching me! "I was evil and wicked", even though I thought I was a nice person. I was kind and caring, I respected my parents.. But, "I was born a sinner" even if I hadn't committed any crime/sin, "I/we were all in Adam when he sinned".

They told me to gather all the books I had in my possession and they made a fire in the back yard and burned them all...

"Other people were dangerous influences" (If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you: John 15;18)
"Satan" was working on me... I had to get right with God, Time was running out. The Lord could come back at any time and I was not ready"' (Therefore you also must be ready, for the son of man is coming at an hour you do not expect: Matt 24;44).

Now I had to think every moment of the day...Think... Think... Think... and Think again! The "FEAR, NIGHT SWEATS, STRESS AND ANXIETY... were too much to bear! I wanted God to "Save me", I needed God to "Save me"
I tried and tried and tried. I told God I would give up my old life for him... I would love him more than my family.. I would stop sinning (if I could)! I prayed every moment of the day...
until I could pray no more. Tired and exhausted and terrified...
I would eventually fall asleep, not knowing if I would wake up
again? This went on for the next 30 and more years.. I say 30 years, but even 15 years after walking away from it all I still believed, and it still badly affected me.

Now I am over 60 years old, and still can't travel very well, I am agoraphobic.

I have sleep problems and still on anti-depressants... I can barely believe it myself! I don't know how I got through life... but I do really...FEAR! I had to stay alive or go to HELL! 

Just before that time I had just started to sleep with my then
boyfriend! He was the first man I'd slept with... So then I
thought now I would have to marry him because I couldn't
have any other sexual relations with any other man... in God's
eyes that would be adultery... (Don't get me wrong, I did love
my then boyfriend, who later became my husband) but I
thought I had no other option. I was told if I got "Saved" I'd then be a "Christian". Also if my husband rejected the gospel, then I would have to consider leaving him because:-"Christian vs Non Christian" marriage's won't work! Eh! So I thought 'no matter what I had to stay with him and/or never be with another man again! Now at that time I wasn't thinking

anything of the kind anyway, but it left me no choice! We stayed married for 20 years and in 1998 separated. 


No matter how hard I tried, I could never "Feel Saved", I was told to "stop trying and just do it", I "would know when I was saved" because God gives 'assurance of salvation'. (He has put his seal upon us and given us his spirit in our hearts as a Guarantee: Corinth 1:22). 

I never knew... I never felt saved! And also If I didn't get "Saved Right Now" God might give up on me and leave me to my worldly sins! And harden my heart to the Gospel!..
(This people honours me with their lips, but their heart is far from me, in vain do they worship me: Mark 7;6). What! Eh! Help!... Now I was in deep trouble... I had no way out... but to be "Saved"!

(He who believes and is baptized will be saved, he who does not believe will be condemned: Mark 16;16. I thought! I was, thinking, doing, being, what God asked! But still never felt "Saved".
(Why do you call me 'lord, lord' and do not do what I tell you?:Luke 6;46).

This might give you an idea of what were the beginnings and continued fears about my life. Through all this I managed to raise a family (I think that is what kept me sane or at least functional)! It was hard though, because I had to inflict my views on my children but not wishing to terrify them the way I had been, but could not lie to them about the facts... So I thought that is why I never got saved. It was very hard... I was also made to feel accountable for my family and friends in telling them about the"truth", (Even though I was not a "Christian" (saved) myself, I still had to preach).

They, (my family and friends) were not interested! Which made me feel scared for them and Isolated. I had friends but could not really share my biggest fears with them, because they didn't understand. My friends were/are lovely people, who are kind, caring, good people. "Just not Christian"...
They said, Everything outside 'their' Born Again Beliefs... "Was not of God or was evil"...
Even the church going people that I knew very well! (Beware of false prophets: Matt 7;15), (Many will come in my name saying -
"I am he and they will lead many astray": Mark 13;6).

When my dad died in 1990, they told me he would be in hell because he was not a Christian...

I had recurring nightmares for months after that... Could not cope with it, but had to believe it, because it said so in the bible!

I did keep busy in my life, by getting involved with community projects.
Even though in my mind I could think of nothing else but being saved.
So in a way it was a 'slight distraction' for me especially to the people outside my world, because that's how it felt. (Like I was on another planet).
Hardly anyone I knew was in the same position as me.
So I felt very isolated.
Keeping busy was a good cover up and got me through life in general, But there would always be...
'Every day and every night' the fear chipping
away at me inside. ("You are not saved". "You are going to hell").
How could I share my thoughts with my friends and family of my true fears! They would think I was mad!
When I did talk about it or try to convert other people.
I would only get myself into a worse state of fear because I was
reiterating what I needed myself. I would start to tremble...
Genuinely shake with fear.
I did have good times, when I would laugh and have fun and
I enjoyed raising my children.
But guaranteed,
I was never free from my thoughts of...
"Hell and Damnation".
A bit like "Ground-hog Day" for 30 years. (Well over 40 years really)!
30 Years was when I was in the thick of it!
Meanwhile as I tried to cope with everyday things e.g. Family, work, my failing marriage, my health. I started to lose weight and went down to 7 stone (98lb's). Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep couldn't function anymore. Lost interest in everything. My mind had been racing for years and years and years and suddenly 'stopped'!
Life took it's toll on me and 23 years later, I ended up separated
from my Husband and in 1998 ended up in a psychiatric
unit with depression for 2 months of my life. That's when I
started to "Question God"! Which terrified me, because
("Who are we to Question God")? I felt suicidal, felt trapped,
because if I died... I would go to... "The Deepest Part of Hell"
Because I knew enough to be "saved" and rejected it.
It felt like Hell that I was living...There was no-way out... I was trapped! I had a breakdown! 

They phoned me while I was in the Psychiatric Hospital and told me it was a 'Sin to be in Despair'! I couldn't even cope with life at that time. I was starving myself and not dealing with anything.


During this 30 year time, I developed a multitude of phobia's...
I could not travel very well... "planes, trains, cars, boats", because I thought I am only putting my life at risk!

And I still wasn't saved yet.

Knowing that God had the power to take my life... In an instance! Made me afraid of everything. I was still scared to travel, became paranoid. Walking down the street was dangerous, I thought that the next car/bus was going to ram right into me. And any ailment I had, I thought it might be fatal.

I was a wreck!

Now! so many years down the line, I have improved dramatically, I'm still on anti-depressants, but coping very well.
A lot has happened in the years since deciding that "I didn't want/need God in my life."

It, by no means has been easy. I see a counsellor regularly,

I still have issues about "My Beliefs"? It is hard to get rid of
almost 40 years of indoctrination overnight!
I just try to trust in my intuition.
Now and I am widening my knowledge by reading lots of books.

If and when I can, as I find my concentration is not very good...
One in particular book that did help me tremendously is:-

"Leaving The Fold"
by Marlene Winell.
(Highly Recommended)

"The Book Your Church Doesn't
Want You To Read"
by T C Leedom

"Everyday Enlightenment"by Dan Millman
Well worth a read! Helped with basic thoughts again. As my thinking had been blinkered for so long. 

Now I live alone, and I'm "happy-ier" Although I live with bouts of depression.
My partner and best friend is also an Ex-Fundy. We support each other and are angry that Fundamentalism nearly destroyed our lives.

The good news is that, you can recover'! Albeit a slow process...

There is another kinda life out there...
So go and live it and Enjoy!..
You don't have to feel guilty all the time!..

We are good people, who care!..
And that's all that matters.

Here are a few of quotes that I try to keep reminding myself of:-

“Civilization will not attain perfection until the last stone from the last church falls on the last priest” Emile Zola.

Atheism Is A Non-Prophet Organization.

Don't Believe Everything You're Told.

Guilt, Fear, Mass Insanity... 3 Cheers For Christianity...

Its Your Hell You Burn In It!

Jesus is Coming Look Busy!

Anyone Who Claims God Is On Their Side Is Dangerous!

You found God? If nobody claims him in 30 days, He's yours!

Jesus is coming. On three, everyone yell 'Surprise!'

God Protect Me From Your Followers!

Are We Talking About The Same God?

Believing Bullshit Will Not Make it Come True!

God Doesn't Believe in Me Either... Things Even Out!

The Virgin Mary Was An Unwed Teenage Mother!

I Wasn't Created in Your Image of God.

God made me an atheist. Who are you to question his wisdom?

I've Studied the Bible, That's why I'm an Atheist!!!

"The Past and The Future Are Only in Our Minds!"

"Be Here Now!"

"Born OK The First Time"

"Fundamentalism Stops A Person Thinking".

"My Job is to Comfort the Disturbed & Disturb the Comfortable".

"My Karma Ran Over MY Dogma".

My answer now is, "Get Un-Born Again"

I have now seen for myself that there are "Too many contradictions" in "The Bible". It Just doesn't add up anymore... Fundamentalists believe that this is "God's Word"?
"Get real Fundy's" Were you there when these "men of God"
were receiving the scriptures? It was also written hundreds of years after the "events". 

Fundamentalists believe that "every word is true"?
You know It is not true, it is a man made dictatorship.
So therefore, if you 'doubt' one word" of the bible.
Then you must 'QUESTION THE REST'!!!! That's what I was told eh! Well I am questioning it!