When I was 17 years old, I was relatively care free and didn't think much
about God. I was dating my then boyfriend, since I was 16. I used to
go to visit my older sister often who was into 'contacting the spirits'?
It was just a bit of fun...or so I thought! Strange things did happen,
but I never took it seriously. At that time there was, a group of :-
Born Again Christians in the area where I lived. I'd never heard
anything about them before, although I knew them as old neighbours.
I didn't know that they were part of the group until one day I was
approached by one of them.
I'd never heard the bible preached like that before! It scared the living
daylights out of me. I thought I was going to die that night and go to
(The Furnace of Fire for ever, there men will weep and gnash their
teeth: Matt 13;42) (For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads
to life and those who find it are few: Matt 7;14)!
So that started... my sleepless nights... stress and tension and my strive
for perfection! (Which I could never achieve). I was now aware that
God was watching me! "I was evil and wicked", even tho' "I thought",
I was a nice person. I was kind and caring, I respected my parents..
But, "I was born a sinner" even if I hadn't committed any crime/sin,
"I/we were all in Adam when he sinned".
"Other people were dangerous influences" (If the world hates you,
know that it has hated me before it hated you: John 15;18)
"Satan was working on me... I had to get right with God"?
"Time was running out".. The Lord could come back at any time
and I was not ready"! (Therefore you also must be ready, for
the son of man is coming at an hour you do not expect: Matt 24;44).
Now I had to think every moment of the day...
Think... Think... Think... and Think again! The "FEAR,
NIGHT SWEATS, STRESS AND ANXIETY... were too much
to bare! I wanted God to "Save me", I needed God to "Save me".
I tried and tried and tried. I told God I would give up my old life
for him... I would love him more than my family.. I would stop
sinning (if I could)! I prayed every moment of the day...
until I could pray no more. Tired and exhausted and terrified...
I would eventually fall asleep, not knowing if I would wake up
again? This went on for the next 25 years.. I can barely believe
it myself! I don't know how I got through life... but I do really...
Just before that time I had just started to sleep with my then
boyfriend! He was the first man I'd slept with... So then I
thought now I would have to marry him because I couldn't
have any other sexual relations with any other man... in God's
eyes that would be adultery... (Don't get me wrong, I did love
my then boyfriend, who later became my husband) but I
thought I had no other option. We stayed married for 20 years
and in 1998 separated. I was told if I got "Saved" I'd then
be a "Christian". Also if my husband rejected the gospel, then
I would have to consider leaving him because:-
"Christian vs Non Christian" marriage's won't work! Eh! So
I thought 'no matter what I had to stay with him and/or never
be with another man again! Now at that time I wasn't thinking
anything of the kind anyway, but it left me no choice!
No matter how hard I tried, I could never "Feel Saved", I was told to
"stop trying and just do it", I "would know when I was saved"
because God gives 'assurance of salvation'. (He has put his seal
upon us and given us his spirit in our hearts as a Guarantee:
Corinth 1:22). I never knew... I never felt saved! And also If I didn't
get "Saved Right Now" God might give up on me and leave me to my
worldly sins! And harden my heart to the Gospel!..
(This people honours me with their lips, but their heart is far from me,
in vain do they worship me: Mark 7;6). What! Eh! Help!...
Now I was in deep trouble... I had no way out... but to be "Saved"!
(He who believes and is baptized will be saved, he who does not believe
will be condemned:Mark 16;16. I thought! I was, thinking, doing, being,
what God asked! But still never felt "Saved".
(Why do you call me 'lord, lord' and do not do what I tell you?:Luke 6;46).
fears about my life. Through all this I managed to raise a family
(I think that is what kept me sane or at least functional)!
It was hard tho' because I had to inflict my views on my children but
not wishing to terrify them the way I had been, but could not lie to them
about the facts... It was very hard... I was also made to feel accountable
for my family and friends in telling them about the"truth",
(Even tho' I was not a "Christian" (saved) myself, I still had to preach).
They, (my family and friends) were not interested! Which made me feel
scared for them and Isolated. I had friends but could not really share my
biggest fears with them, because they didn't understand. My friends were/are
lovely people, who are kind, caring, good people. "Just not Christian"...
Everything outside 'their' Born Again Beliefs... "Was not of God or was evil"...
Even the church going people that I knew very well! (Beware of false
prophets: Matt 7;15), (Many will come in my name saying -
"I am he and they will lead many astray":Mark 13;6).
When my dad died in 1990, they told me he would be in hell because he was not a christian...
Even though in my mind I could think of nothing else but being saved.
So in a way it was a slight distraction for me especially to the people
outside my world, because that's how it felt. (Like I was on another planet).
Hardly anyone I knew was in the same position as me.
So I felt very isolated.
It was a good cover up and got me through life in general,
But there would always be...
'Every day and every night' the fear chipping
away at me inside. ("You are not saved". "You are going to hell").
How could I share my thoughts with my friends and family of my true fears!
They would think I was mad!
When I did talk about it or try to convert other people.
I would only get myself into a worse state of fear because I was
reiterating what I needed myself. I would start to tremble...
Genuinely shake with fear.
I did have good times when I would laugh and have fun and
I enjoyed raising my children.
I was never free from my thoughts of...
"Hell and Damnation".
A bit like "Groundhog Day" for 25 years.
Meanwhile as I tried to cope with everyday things e.g. Family, work,
my failing marriage, my health. I started to lose weight and went
down to 7 stone (98lb's). Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep couldn't function
anymore. Lost interest in everything. My mind had been racing for years
and suddenly 'stopped'!
Life took it's toll on me and 25 years later, I ended up separated
from my Husband and in 1998 ended up in a psychiatric
unit with depression for 2 months of my life. That's when I
started to "Question God"! Which terrified me, because
("Who are we to Question God")? I felt suicidal, felt trapped,
because if I died... I would go to... "The Deepest Part of Hell"
Because I knew enough to be "saved" and rejected it.
It felt like Hell that I was living...
There was no-way out... I was trapped! I had a breakdown!
I could not travel very well... "planes, trains, cars, boats", because I
thought I am only putting my life at risk!
Made me afraid of everything.
I was still scared to travel, became paranoid.
Walking down the street was dangerous,
I thought that the next car/bus was going to ram right
into me. And any ailment I had, I thought it might be fatal.
I'm still on anti-depressants, but coping very well.
A lot has happened in the years since deciding that
"I didn't want/need God in my life."
It, by no means has been easy. I see a councillor
regularly, I still have issues about "My Beliefs"? It is hard to get rid of
almost 30 years of indoctrination overnight!
I just try to trust in my intuition.
Now and I am widening my knowledge by reading lots of books.
One in particular book that is helping me tremendously is:-
in a relationship with my partner who is also an
Ex-Fundy. We support each other and are angry
But the good news is that 'you can recover'!
I'm doing it... There is a life out there...
So go and live it and Enjoy!..
You don't have to feel guilty at all!..
“Civilization will not attain perfection until the last stone from the last church falls on the last priest” Emile Zola.
Atheism Is A Non-Prophet Organization.
Don't Believe Everything You're Told.
Guilt, Fear, Mass Insanity... 3 Cheers For Christianity...
Its Your Hell You Burn In It!
Jesus is Coming Look Busy!
Anyone Who Claims God Is On Their Side Is Dangerous!
You found God? If nobody claims him in 30 days, He's yours!
Jesus is coming. On three, everyone yell 'Surprise!'
God Protect Me From Your Followers!
Are We Talking About The Same God?
Believing Bullshit Will Not Make it Come True!
God Doesn't Believe in Me Either... Things Even Out!
The Virgin Mary Was An Unwed Teenage Mother!
I Wasn't Created in Your Image of God.
"God made me an atheist. Who are you to question his wisdom?"
I've Studied the Bible, That's why I'm an Atheist!!!
My answer now is,
"Get Un-Born Again"
I have now seen for myself
that there are
"Too many contradictions"
in "The Bible".
believe that this is
"Get real Fundy's"
Were you there?
When these "men of God"
were receiving the scriptures?
"every word is true"?
It is not true
most of it is man made
So therefore, if you
"doubt one word"
of the bible.
Then you must
"QUESTION THE REST"!!!!